Posted by: Shel | April 27, 2008

Today I held him while he slept

Today I held him while he slept. 

My third child, Samuel is eleven months old.    Typically, I nurse him to sleep downstairs where his sisters are, and then I take him upstairs to the bedroom and shut the door, in hopes of getting something accomplished before he awakes. 

But it wasn’t always that way.  I remember when my oldest was a baby.  I remember nursing her and just staring at her, wanting to imprint every detail of the way she looked, sounded, felt and smelled .  . . I remember reminding myself that one day these days would be gone forever.  One day, she would outgrow nursing, one day she would no longer fall to sleep in my arms.  And so, I would memorize every detail.  And when she fell asleep, I would hold her.  Or I would lie down next to her and drink in the peace of resting next to my sleeping baby, and marvel in the wonder of my having been given such a gift.

I remember sometimes feeling a pull, knowing I had transcription yet to do, or knowing the floor downstairs was sticky.  But those days were so fleeting, how could I not savor every moment?

And yet, now I tell myself, “I have a whole family counting on me.  I have more children to take care of.  I don’t have time for such a luxury anymore.”  And I lie him down, I blow him a kiss, and I rush off.  And to what?  What is it that pulls me away from these precious baby moments?  Dirty dishes.  Or a carpet that needs vacuuming.  Or the toilet brush. 

So today I let it all sit.  I let it go.  And I held him while he slept.  I sat and watched his eyelids flutter shut and I marveled in the beauty of his sleeping features.  And in doing so, I was blessed. 

I still managed to get most of the clutter picked up in the kitchen.  It’s not as neat as it could be or maybe even Should Be.  But I don’t care.  One day he won’t be falling asleep in my arms anymore.  One day, these days will be over, and when they are, I don’t want to have any regrets.  The house is livable.  It’s not perfect, but it’s livable.  And today, I really lived in it.  I held my baby while he slept.

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Responses

  1. Beautiful.

  2. How beautiful.


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